Sermon: Today's topic is forgiveness

Verily on the 4th day of May in the YEAR OF OUR LORD, 2002 our chosen vessel, namely the Reverend Repton spake thus:

Our Lord Jesus Christ was often ostracised by others. Especially by the money lenders in the temple, and did this make him angry? No, did he want to go and twat them with a tooled up Turkish crew from Putney, No he did not.

Jesus spake of forgiveness, he would turn the other cheek and forgive those that sinned against him. People often ask me "If Jesus was alive today, do you think that he would forgive the various perverts, criminals, and daytime TV hosts of today" I feel that he would.

Take the incident of the chef in Newcastle who was spotted enjoying sexual relations with a goat by a train full of passengers recently. Most people would think that a man convicted of such an un-natural act by the police finding Goat DNA in his underpants would  be beyond forgiveness. I feel that Jesus would show him the error of his ways and teach him how to live a good and fulfilling life, obviously Jesus and his mates would take this piss out of him and have a laugh about it down the pub and that, but he would forgive him.

I wouldn't though, he's a sodding perv and should be castrated.

Thus endeth the lesson

The Miracle of the Keys

January, In the year of our Lord 2003

Since the time of Jesus many weak and feeble minded people have been afraid of the powers of our Lord and have fought to silence the mighty truth that only the good Lord can provide. 

Recently my own life was crossed by such an individual, who feared the power that God had given me.

I had decided to go and praise the lord in the only way in which I knew how namely to drink several pints of strong French lager and to attempt to dance with attractive women.

At the end of the evening at my chosen place of worship, Scream Night-club in Derby, I had a message from God it said "Smoke more Cigarettes Eddie, so that you may be able to praise me fully". Obviously I had no wish to argue with the word of God and decided that I must go to my unlocked Car and retrieve the holy cigarettes of Marlboro.

The car had to be unlocked as I had earlier given my car keys to my verger for safekeeping and also to prevent me to be tempted from the demons of Drink-Driving. I went to my unlocked vehicle and proceeded to remove the cigarettes from the glove box. There was a mighty noise, and a Policeman of Herod was tapping at my window. He spake "Can you give a breath sample please sir as I have reason to believe that you are attempting to drive this motor vehicle after consuming excess alcohol"

I understood his concern and offered these words of condolence "But good officer, I have no way of driving this vehicle as I have relinquished the possession of my keys to my good friend, in fact I have no car keys with witch to drive this immobilised parked vehicle"

Obviously the officer was concerned as to the power of our Lord, as he was convinced that I was about to drive the vehicle, despite the fact that I had no keys,, a scuffle ensued and I was arrested and kept in cells for 3 days and 3 nights.

Now Jesus was often treated as a criminal by the money lenders in the temple who feared his powers, and now we see that ignorance again can lead the fearful into unjust actions.

I spake with the senior officer and tried to reason with hi by saying "Who do you think I am? Harry Fucking Potter? am I going to cast a spell on the car and drive it away?" 

I was subsequently released, but when released I realised that I should not be upset by this blatantly fascist wrongful arrest and detention, but instead I must marvel at the perceived power of our Lord.

Amen

PS. The copper was a right tosser.